It's been a while since I blogged. I don't know why. I have found blogging to be very therapuetic. I guess it's just because I don't think anyone would want to read what I have to say. But there's something I need to get off my chest. Some of you will like it, some won't. But here it is.
As all of you know, I had a VERY hard time coming back from Disney. I felt cheated, and since we're being brutally honest here, for a while I was extremely angry about it all. (If I dwell on it long enough, I still get angry.) It took me a while to sort out WHO I was ANGRY at and WHY I was so angry. Recently I figured it out, and to be honest, the answer kind of shocked me.
I was angry at myself.
Why? Because it's my fault I'm in the situation I'm in.
Y'all, having a disability is HARD. I know most of you don't ever see me beyond when I go out, and I'm always happy. I don't know why, but God blessed me with an eternal sense of optimism. It's a good thing too, because if He had not, I can tell you I wouldn't have made it this far.
I like to think that I am a vcery driven person. I am. I went to Disney and stayed on my own for seven whole months. You all know that. What you don't know is that I was only able to do it because of my parents. I hope my mom doesn't mind me posting this-if you do, sorry Mom-but I had to have an attendant come in and help me get dressed and bathed in the morning, and come back again at night. Most of you probably knew that. What you didn't know is that the Agency we went through charged $75 per day for four hours of work. People think I'm ungrateful sometimes. I'm not. I fully and completely realize that without my parents Disney would not have happened.
Throughout my Disney experience the biggest lesson I learned is this. Are you ready for it? It's pretty deep, you may want to write it down.
The real world sucks.
The people at Disney did not care about my disability at all. They could not see, fathom, or understand what it took for me to even show up to work every day. There were a few times when my caregiver couldn't come and I was stuck in bed until someone did show up. Thankfully, that only happened like three times. I was there strictly because I wanted to be, it sure wasn't for the money. ($7.6 7/hr, max 35 hrs/week. Do the math, that wouldn't even cover HALF my care expenses, and that's not including food and rent. (Rent was deducted from my check) So, I reiterate again, if not for my parents, Disney would NOT have happened for me. I will always be grateful.
In Disney, I learned, "This is my life. And I did it to myself." I could've worked harder. If I had, there's no telling how independent I'd be. I recognize that. I regret it. But I can't really take full responsibility for it. I was just a kid. When you're a kid, your life is all about right now. I didn't know that I would have a lot harder time in the future if I didn't learn to sit up. All I knew was that it was hard and I couldn't understand why other kids didn't have to work as hard as I did. So I cried and whined.
Some of you might say, "Well your mom should've pushed you harder. I will say this one time. I DO NOT BLAME MY MOM. She did the absolute best she could, and some of the same people that say that could';ve helped my mom a lot more than they did when I was a child. She had to work because my dad was in school and it was just easier for her to do something than to wait thirty minutes for me to do it. I get it. Look, let's make no bones about this. I was a spoiled brat as a kid. I whined and cried and got whatever I wanted. There should've been someone that would let me scream until I did it. My dad TRIED, but he had-HAS- a very thin amount of patience and would yell and I'd shut down. Literally, still today if someone yells at me I shut completly down. Unless I'm really pissed, then I might yell back. I need to work on that. But mostly I just shut down and don't speak and try to keep from crying.
I really want to learn to do things for myself. I do not want to be a burden to anyone. I want to get back in Physical therapy but my insurance will not pay. Y'all don't know how frustrating my disability is. I want to go see Frozen again today, but I can't, because no one can or will go with me. If someone takes something out of my room and misplaces it, I can't go look for it so it just EATS at me. The little things really bother me. Like when someone plans to come over and then doesn't, and doesn't text, or call or anything. Just....don't do that. If we have plans and we need to break them, fine. BUT TELL ME. Please. There's so much in my life that is out of my control. I am an adult, but am not the master of my own destiny. Disney wouldn't hire me because they couldn't see past the issues that made me a liability. I get that, but it doesn't make it any less unfair. Maybe I should've worked harder. All I know is that I did the best I could with what I had where I was. And yes, I had a few Disney angels. Brad, Cameron, and Andy, who would take me to the park sometimes until closing so we could ride rides and act crazy. Then they'd come home and help me to bed. I am so grateful. Molly, who never saw my disability, and was appalled I'd never ridden Soarin and made sure I got on. Jenny and Alex, my first Disney friends who saw a lonely roommateless guy and made an effort to change it. And Pete and Mat. TEAM OSWALD FOREVER. I love all of you and wouldn't trade your friendship for anything.
No, I don't think Disney gaver me a fair shake. But I didn't write this for pity. I wrote it to offer you some understanding. I'm trying to find myself find what I am good at. Before you judge me and say. "Why don't you DO something?" Take a minute, read this, and put youreself in my shoes. It's hard to find motivation to do anything when you're still struggling with what you CAN do.
I love Frozen. There is no Disney princess EVER that has spoken to me like Elsa has.
"Here I stand in the light of day, Let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk
No comments:
Post a Comment